The Monster In Applebloom
by unicorn92243
Summary: Apple Bloom has every reason in the world to be happy, so why is she so miserable? This is a story of how mental illness can strike anyone, anywhere, anytime, no matter how good a life a person has, and it's devastating consequences.
1. The Beginning

The Monster In AppleBloom

The Beginning

It started with a feeling of helplessness, of hopelessness. As Apple Bloom and the Cutie Mark Crusaders left their fillyhood and became teenagers, they all eventually got their cutie marks.

Sweetie Belle got a musical note for her talent of singing. Scootaloo a scooter and helmet for her talent on her scooter, and Apple Bloom got a cutiemark that nobody would've expected...

An open scroll and quill.

Secretly, Apple Bloom had started writing poetry to get out her emotions. At the age of twelve she lay in her bed feeling depressed and thinking about death.

Her friends noticed the change that had started in her. She was gradually spending more and more time away from them, and when she was with them, she didn't seem all there.

Apple Bloom continued to spiral downward. Every year she seemed to get worse, but she refused to talk to anyone about it. She feared she was going mad.

Agony

My heart feels like it's breaking,

My spirit hangs by a thread.

Though the outside of me is still living,

The inside of me is quite dead.

Agony, oh agony, my feelings overwhelm me.

I feel as if I can't go on.

The future's not pleasant I see.

I feel so alone, I'm so full of pain,

Can anyone help me?

I always seem to lose much more than I gain,

What a cruel world I live in.

Is this the way that life always must be?

Agony, oh agony, my feelings overwhelm me.

I feel as if I can't go on.

The future's not pleasant I see.

And I have the feeling it never will be.

Apple Bloom looked down at her newest poem and shivered. She had a great life, wonderful friends, so why did she feel so horrible all the time?

"What's happening to me?"


	2. Everypony's Worried

Chapter 2

Everypony's Worried

"Surprise! Happy birthday Apple Bloom!" Pinkie Pie squealed along with the others at Sugar Cube Corner.

Apple Bloom managed to smile as Sweetie Belle gave her a big hug. It was hard to believe that she was sixteen years old now, and though nopony really knew it, she'd been living in agony for the last four years.

Every smile felt fake, every laugh felt forced. Maybe she really was going crazy, but she also just didn't feel well either. She often got headaches and body aches. She'd be tired for no reason, and even though she appreciated the effort her friends had put into this party, she just wasn't feeling it.

Still... she did her best to at least pretend to be happy. She'd gotten good at that, pretending, but pretending was exhausting. She'd gradually been isolating herself more and more, despite her friends efforts to get her away from home once in awhile.

I should be happy, what in Equestria is wrong with me? I have a great life, great friends, great family... so what's wrong?

Her grades in school were suffering as well. For the first time in her life she skipped doing her homework and a few times she even failed a quiz.

After pretending to have fun, Apple Bloom excused herself from the party as early as possible. She didn't even care about all the great presents she had gotten, though she had thanked everypony nonetheless.

After Apple Bloom had gone Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle sat together at a table drinking punch and talking about their friend.

"It's getting worse Scootaloo. Have you seen her eyes? They're always so sad, even when she smiles. What's going on with her?"

"I don't know, I heard a rumor that her grades have gotten so bad she might have to be held back next year."

Applejack was talking to Twilight. "I don't know Twilight, something is wrong. She seems so unhappy but I don't know WHY, and she won't talk to me about it no matter how many times I ask her. I'm worried Twilight. At first I thought it might be bullies but Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle told me that it's not. Even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon don't bother them much anymore. I just don't know what to do!"

"All you can do is be there for her and hopefully she'll talk to you when she's ready," said Twilight. "We can all help you keep an eye on her for you Applejack."

"I'd appreciate it Twy, I really would."

It feels like... there's something inside of me, thought Apple Bloom. Something that's making me hurt. Feeling darkly inspired, she picked up her quill and wrote...

Despair

This is the thing about despair,

It makes you really just not care.

Into a pile your problems heap,

It makes you always want to sleep.

You just don't want to face the day,

Everything else just fades away.

Your heart is cold just like December,

And happiness you can't remember.

With others you feel jealous rage,

They're free while you're caught in a cage.

They're blind to your agony,

They can never really see.

And so they brush aside your pain,

They don't want to hear it again.

And so you try to smile and laugh,

To be polite on their behalf.

On the outside you might be beaming,

But inside you're writhing and screaming.

So you take a little vacation,

And lock yourself in isolation.

You just want to scream and cry,

You just want to fall and die.

And how do I know all about what is there?

Because, for you see, it is I who despair.

After writing yet another morbid poem, her diary was full of them by now, Apple Bloom went to bed. Not that it would be an escape, for sometimes she had horrible nightmares.

Was this ever going to end?

Unfortunately for Apple Bloom, she still had a long way to go.


	3. First Blood

Chapter 3

Warning, self harm in this chapter. It's not graphic, but it is there.

First Blood

Another day of high school. Apple Bloom felt tired and wished she didn't have to be there. She felt more than tired, she was numb.

Sitting at her desk, Apple Bloom pulled her rainbow pin off her saddlebag, and began to casually scrape it across her left foreleg. She was so numb she barely felt it, and she pushed harder, feeling so numb she wondered if she'd even bleed if she cut herself. With a drop of blood finally squeezed out she stared at it in almost morbid fascination.

Hearing a gasp next to her she looked up to see Feather Weight. He looked like he might be on the verge of telling on her, but the death glare she sent him shut him up quick. She quickly put her pin back on her bag, wiped the blood away, and stared into space, not paying any attention to her lecturing teacher.

Later that night in her room she stared at the small cut on her leg. She couldn't believe that she'd done this to herself! Why had she done it? She'd hurt herself on purpose! There's something seriously wrong with me, she thought, and shivered. What should she do? What? What? What...

Applejack looked up when there was a knock on her bedroom door. "Come in."

The door opened slowly. "Sis? I've got to tell you something..." Sniffled Apple Bloom.

"What is it?" Applejack looked at her sibling in concern, especially when she threw herself at her and started sobbing. "Apple Bloom! What is it?"

Apple Bloom showed her the cut on her arm. "I... I... I did this... to myself!"

Applejack's eyes widened. "Why would you do such a thing Apple Bloom?"

"I... I... I don't know! I just feel so awful inside and it won't go away! Help me Applejack! Please help me!"

Tears filled Applejack's own eyes as she cradled her. "Don't you worry none, we're going to get you some help little sister. Everything will be okay. I promise. Big sis is here for you Apple Bloom, I'm here..."


	4. The Reason

Chapter 4

The Reason

Apple Bloom's family made her an appointment with the doctor right away. She was relieved. Maybe now she'd find out what was wrong with her!

That day, a magazine her family liked to read came in the mail. As she absently flipped through it, an article caught her eye. Do You Have Depression? She started reading it in interest, and before long, her eyes widened as she looked over the symptoms of what was described to be a mental illness.

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable

Overeating or appetite loss

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

This is me, she thought. This is me... She read further, and was elated to see that there was treatment to this condition. "Applejack!"

Soon her family gathered around her as she read the article to them.

"Are you sure that this is what's wrong with you Sugar Cube?"

Apple Bloom looked at her sister and nodded. "I'm sure."

"Well, at least now we know what to tell the doctor," said Granny Smith in relief.

"Eeyup," Big Mac nodded.

A few days later, at the doctor's office, after Apple Bloom explained to him what was going on, he set up an appointment for her to see a psychiatrist. He told Apple Bloom and her family that the psychiatrist could help her far more than he could.

Soon Apple Bloom found herself at yet another doctor's office. Doctor Ung. He was a unicorn with white fur and a black mane and tail, and a shadow of a pony head for a cutie mark. After talking with him for awhile about her symptoms, he prescribed pills for her to take, and asked to see her again in three weeks.

Apple Bloom felt so happy as she walked out of his office. She wasn't going crazy after all! She was just sick and these pills would make her better!

Take that you evil thing, she thought. For the Depression was like some twisted being in her soul, trying to destroy her. It was... a monster.

But now with these pills, everything was going to be okay! She'd get better and get on with her life.

If only she knew that it wasn't nearly going to be that easy...


	5. Side Effects

Chapter 5

Side Effects

Apple Bloom dutifully took her pills and was optimistic about her future. Unfortunately there was something that she hadn't considered.

The pills had side effects. They gave her horrible headaches. The Doctor told her they might go away... but they didn't. If anything they got worse, so Doctor Ung switched medications. The new pills made her body shake all over. The next pills made her sick to her stomach. Apple Bloom was getting frustrated. She thought the medicine would make her better, not sicker!

Finally however, she was put on two medications at once, and no side effects occurred. Slowly, she started to feel better, less anxious. After three weeks she even started to smile again. This was it! Her life could start again!

Except a few months later, the pills stopped working, and the symptoms started to return. Apple Bloom was depressed, irritable, and snapping at everyone. She also didn't like her psychiatrist. He picked arguments with her. It was ridiculous!

Finally she told Applejack that she wanted a new doctor. So, she next went to see Doctor Cheery. He was an earth pony with orange fur and a yellow mane and tail, with a magnifying glass as a cutie mark.

This doctor gave her a whole new diagnosis. Manic Depression, also known as Bipolar. This illness caused your moods to swing back and forth... and there was no cure.

Apple Bloom was in denial after she left his office. Depression was one thing, because that could eventually be cured, but this? She was going to be like this for the rest of her life? No! No she didn't want to believe it!

There were more pills, and more side effects. Some medication didn't even work at all. Apple Bloom finally dropped out of school because she simply couldn't concentrate anymore. She was failing all her classes anyway.

Even when some meds did work, it would only be for awhile before the symptoms came back. Apple Bloom felt hopeless. Her family and friends supported her the best that they could, but she felt alone, for they could never truly understand.

She was a prisoner of her own mind, and the monster had the key.


	6. The Monster

Chapter 6

The Monster

Apple Bloom lay in her room in the dark, staring blankly at the wall as she lay on her side.

She wanted to die.

If she was dead all this would be over. She wouldn't hurt anymore because of her stupid brain, nobody would have to worry about her anymore. She wouldn't have to see her friend's pitying faces. She wouldn't have to pretend to be happy when she wasn't.

She never could understand death. Ponies who wanted to live, died, and ponies who wanted to die, lived. What kind of sense did that make?

Sometimes she would lay in bed all night and think of ways to take her own life. There were so many ways. An overdose of pills, throw herself in front of a wagon, stab herself, etc. But she knew it would devastate her family and friends if she did that. She couldn't do that to them.

She wished someone could use magic to make her all better, but even magic had it's limits.

It wasn't fair! She had great friends, family, people who cared about her, but a stupid chemical imbalance had to ruin everything.

She sighed, got her diary, and began to write.

The Monster In Me

Sometimes I wonder, could it be?

Was I born with the monster in me?

Was it something I did, something I said,

To make him rear his ugly head?

He does all he can to kill my joy,

All he wants to do is destroy,

It didn't take me long to see,

That he wants to destroy me.

Because he wants to be that way,

I have to fight him every day.

I feel the pain sharp as a knife,

I'll fight this battle all my life.

Sometimes I get so tired, that he almost wins,

And that is when the trouble really begins.

My life is nothing but regret,

Because I can never forget.

He forever reminds me that he's there,

Sometimes it's just so hard to bear.

A vicious monster lives in my brain,

One that simply can't be slain.

Locked in a death grip together,

Locked in a battle that lasts forever.

And I think again, as I have thought before,

Sometimes he wins a battle, but who will win the war?

That was just what it felt like. Like the illness was a monster in her head trying to eat away at her. Sometimes she couldn't tell what was the monster and what was her anymore. Sometimes it made her so angry she would say horrible things to ponies, things she would later look back on with shock and regret. It was like it hadn't been her at all, like a bad dream, but she knew it had really happened.

It was like all her emotions were at an extreme. Anger became rage, sorrow became agony, even happiness made her feel like she could fly to the moon. She just wanted to be normal again!

Would she ever be normal again?

Celestia help her she didn't know.

To Be Continued…


	7. Sleep of Death

Chapter 7

Sleep Of Death

Such things it is that I do dream,

That fills my mind when comes the night,

Strange how it will always seem,

To part terrify and part delight.

Sleeping Beauty had it good,

Not a worry or a care,

If left alone as oh she should,

Then she'd still be lying there.

Now I feel the soft kiss of death,

And I gently close my eyes,

I feel the slowing of my breath,

As I give forth one last sigh.

So now I truly rest in peace,

No more sadness no more pain,

I finally feel great release,

The cause of torment has been slain.

Shall I fly away now,

High on angel wings,

Tell me then how is it, how?

That I feel not these things?

And then I wake,

And this I feel,

Must my heart break,

To make it real?

A living death,

A world of sorrow,

Each painful breath,

Upon each morrow.

And so I sleep, hope not to wake,

The only peace that I may know.

But inside I still must ache,

Even if none ever know.

Apple Bloom stared down blankly at her latest poem. The more she thought about it, the more she thought that her friends and family would be better off without her. Sure they would grieve for awhile, but they'd get over it. She was just a burden to them.

That afternoon, while fixing some lunch for herself, she looked at the knife she'd been using to cut up an apple. She wondered what it would feel like to... to...

Slowly she brought it to her left foreleg, just under the hoof, and started to slide it across...


	8. The Hospital

Chapter 8

The Hospital

"What in tarnation?!" The knife was suddenly knocked away and Apple Bloom looked up with a gasp.

"Apple Jack!"

"What did you think you were doing Apple Bloom?!" Her sister looked both angry and horrified.

"I... I... I just..." Apple Bloom stuttered. What in Equestria could she say?

Apple Jack didn't wait around for an explanation. The next thing Apple Bloom knew, she was practically being dragged to Dr. Cheery's office, where her sister explained what she'd caught her doing.

"Apple Bloom, were you trying to kill yourself?" The doctor asked solemnly.

"No! I... I just... well not exactly." She fidgeted and looked down at the floor. "I've been thinking about death a lot, and I just wondered how much it would hurt to cut myself with a knife. It hurt a lot. I didn't like it."

"Do you think of hurting yourself a lot, or worse?" Dr. Cheery asked.

Apple Bloom hesitated, glanced at her sister, then nodded. Apple Jack looked like she was trying to hold back tears.

And that was how Apple Bloom found herself in a mental hospital under suicide watch. The doctor had said it was the best thing for her right now. They had gone home, Apple Jack had helped her pack a bag and explain things to the rest of the family, gone to the hospital, filled out paper work, and now here she was, sitting and waiting to be attended to in a hall.

So this is it, Apple Bloom thought. I'm being put away. She started to shake in terror and tears streamed down her face.

"Hey, are you okay?" Another patient asked. She looked up. It was a light brown earth pony with a dark brown mane and tail and a lasso as a cutie mark.

Apple Bloom's lower lip trembled. She couldn't talk. She knew if she tried she'd burst out sobbing like a little foal. Luckily at that moment, the nurses fetched her.

They talked soothingly to her and when she'd calmed down, they gave her a check up. Apple Bloom felt rather violated when they went through her things and took some of them away, apparently so she couldn't hurt herself with them. They even took her hair ribbon! She felt almost naked without it.

After Apple Bloom was settled in her new room, she looked over the schedule they'd given her. There were different kinds of therapy as well as meal times and leisure times. She would also be seeing a different psychiatrist here. It was like they'd planned her whole life out for her here. Apple Bloom wasn't sure what to think about that.

They allowed her to just settle in that day and she did with a book to read she'd gotten from their book cart that a pony wheeled around and offered to the patients. That night she was given pills to help her sleep. They worked, and for once she was out like a light.

The next day Apple Bloom got more of an idea of what this place was really like. It was mostly therapy, therapy, and more therapy.

She met her new doctor, Dr. Clover, who was a unicorn who was completely white, both coat, mane and tail, with a pill bottle for a cutie mark. She put her on a new medication combo.

She also met her therapist, Dr Paint, who had a paint brush for a cutie mark. She was a cheerful earth pony with a red coat and a yellow mane and tail. One of the therapies she did was art therapy.

There was also music therapy, group therapy, and one on one therapy.

Apple Bloom got the idea that she'd get sick of therapy very soon. At least the food they served here was okay, and they let her keep her diary so that was something at least. She wrote her newest poem that night before bed time.

Have You Ever

Have you ever felt like screaming at the top of your voice,

But instead keep it inside; you feel you've got no choice?

Have you ever felt like crying, but instead wear a stiff smile,

When in fact inside you feel like dying all the while?

Have you ever felt the sharpest pain that's deep as any grief,

That makes you toss and turn at night pleading for some relief?

Have you ever been so jealous that it nearly drives you mad,

Because they have the happiness that you have never had?

Have you ever fought a monster, that you can never find,

Because he hides away within a crevice of your mind?

Have you ever kept a silence no matter if you're low,

Because you feel the type of thing that they will never know?

Because if you have, my sympathy's toward you.

For I can say reluctantly, I get it, cause me too.


	9. Barney

Chapter 9

Barney

Group therapy made Apple Bloom feel ashamed of herself. So many ponies had lives that were horrible. They'd been abused, had few to no friends, or countless other reasons to be depressed like they were. She had a great life, yet she was still depressed, and still stuck in here.

It wasn't long before she bumped into the colt with the lasso cutie mark again, literally.

"Oof! Oh excuse me... oh it's you! Are you feeling better?"

Apple Bloom blushed, remembering how the first time she'd seen him she'd been crying like a baby. "Yeah, I am."

"Well that's good, I'm Barney."

"It's nice to meet you Barney, I'm Apple Bloom."

Barney turned out to be nice and charming. He often flirted with her, which would make her blush and smile.

Things seemed to be looking up. The new meds she was on was making Apple Bloom feel better, the therapy taught her coping techniques, and she could talk to other ponies who had the same feelings she did, so she didn't feel so alone.

And of course, there was Barney.

Apple Bloom was sad when Barney got better faster than she did and was released, but she was overjoyed when, after being at the hospital for two weeks, they told her that she was well enough to go home, as long as she continued out patient therapy, which she agreed to.

After she was home a couple of days, Apple Bloom was delighted to go outside and see Barney waiting for her. She ran straight into his waiting embrace. He seemed just as happy to see her as she was to see him.

Was she falling in love?

A few days later Barney showed her his place, which was actually not much more than a shack. He shared it with his roommate Storm Cloud, who was a pegasus who was light grey with a dark grey mane and tail, with a dark cloud with a lightning bolt as a cutie mark.

Storm Cloud introduced her to his black and white kitten, who was named Pumpkin for her orange eyes. Apple Bloom enjoyed spending time with Barney and Storm Cloud, playing with the kitten. She was out of the hospital, she was feeling better, and she had two new friends.

Things were definitely looking up.


End file.
